Blog Posts

Protecting the Child, Preserving the Family, and Honoring Life

Welcome to the Blog page of the American College of Pediatricians, which we call Scribit Veritas.  Each issue of the Blog is intended to assist parents, encourage children, and enrich the family.  Read our most recent issue below, and scroll to the bottom of this page to read earlier issues.

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Can you fall in love again?

couple loveI faintly remember a discussion with my mom many years ago about marital problems. She told me there seemed to be something that happened around anniversaries #5-7. Couples were no longer in the “honeymoon phase” and often found themselves with discussions about divorce. After my own observations and research, I realized that after being married for 5-7 years, it is clear that romance is dying and couples were forgetting why they were married in the first place.

The question I ask you today is: is it possible to fall in love with your spouse all over again? Can you have the same feelings after 20 years of marriage that you did during your first? My answer to that is an enthusiastic “You bet you can!” It may take more effort after being out of the habit for a while, but it definitely can be done. It really just requires you to do the things you once did for your spouse. The things that you did solely because you loved him/her. Did you buy her gifts or send her flowers? Did you call him just to say hi and that you loved him? Did you plan romantic dates with every detail in mind and covered?

There is a song by Paramore (a newer band from the younger generations) entitled “Still Into You.” Consider some of the lyrics and decide how you are going to fall in love again with your spouse and/or keep the love alive in your marriage.

It’s not a walk in the park

To love each other

But when our fingers interlock,

Can’t deny, can’t deny you’re worth it

‘Cause after all this time I’m still into you

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Get Down on the Floor!

mom playing with child on the floorThough I cannot remember when and where I was given this piece of advice, I feel strongly to share it with you. Get down on the floor and play with your kids. Sounds simple enough, doesn’t it? The reason I loved this bit so much was because of the reason it stuck with me. Being a parent is hard. Being a parent to multiple children is hard. Sometimes, we all hate to admit, it can get to us. It can drive us to hiding in closets, locking bathroom doors and consuming insane amounts of chocolate. Then I was given this gem of advice. When you are feeling consumed by the task, get down on the floor and play with your kids. When the strife of parenthood has worn you down to the last few strands of sanity, get down on the floor and play with your kids. When their nautiness and disobedience have you at your wits end, get down on the floor and play with your kids.

By no means am I a perfect parent, nor will I ever claim to be. Since hearing these words, a time or two I have put it to the test. My findings: sanity! Happiness! Elation! The peculiar thing was that it did not just work out in my favor, but for my kids as well. I noticed that instead of arguing, there was more laughter. Instead of whining and complaining, they were content and grateful. Whether you play a game, read a book or just listen to music, I encourage you to get on the floor and play with your kids.

 

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What Marriage is All About

marriage proposalBefore reading the following post, I encourage you to watch this short video clip from a show we all used to watch and love:

http://youtu.be/NpEj00g9CyE

Mrs. Huxtable gave Elvin a great piece of advice about marriage. It is about each person giving 50/50. At different points in my own marriage, I have been given a different piece of advice that helped me take Mrs. Huxtable’s bit to the next level. Rather than each person giving 50 and expecting 50 in return, each person should give 100 and expect nothing in return. In the workplace, we often say that we give 100% of our efforts to do a good job. What about our marriage though? A good marriage takes constant work and effort to keep going in the right direction. Try it this week. Give 100% of your efforts to making your marriage better than it was the week before. Leave a comment with your experience below!

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Find a Hobby!

Wchild athletee often have dreams and plans for our children and their futures. Life alters those plans, despite our efforts to keep them on the right track. A great way to encourage our children to make better choices and be involved with good people is to let them find a hobby.

An Australian parenting website, found at raisingchildren.net.au, had an article about the importance of extracurricular activities in the lives of teens. This article states the following:

“Taking part in extracurricular activities can:

  • give your child a chance to try a range of activities and explore where her strengths lie
  • boost your child’s self-esteem and confidence
  • give your child a sense of achievement
  • reduce risky behaviour – for example, the positive connections made through these activities can protect against underage drinking
  • promote good mental health
  • help your child work out who she is
  • help your child learn to handle responsibility
  • develop your child’s skills in planning and taking initiative
  • help your child learn how to regulate her emotions
  • help your child learn to overcome tough times, which in turn can help your child succeed academically.”

It will take time to chauffeur kids to various activities and attend performances or games. However, nothing will make you feel happier than seeing your child find something in life that they enjoy and in which they can excel. Sometimes this process occurs through trial and error. Given the opportunity, teenagers will be able to thrive and find themselves which will put them on a path of happiness and success.

 

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Every Star is Different

stars“Ev’ry star is diff’rent,

And so is ev’ry child.

Some are bright and happy,

And some are meek and mild.”

These are the words that are often sung in my children’s religious group on Sunday. This song teaches children that everyone is different. Do parents truly realize and remember that though? Being a parent to five children, I have seen these differences manifested many times. Sometimes I find myself trying to parent them all the same way. Just as different plants and animals require a different kind of care, so do each of our children.

Robert Plomin did some research back in the 1980’s about why siblings are so different from each other. We would think that if they share the same parents and live in the same home, there would be more similarities. “Children in the same family are more similar than children taken at random from the population,” Plomin says, “but not much more.” To read his theories about why this is so, you can read the rest of the article here.

My focus of this post is not about why siblings are different, but just to remind parents that they are. Take the time to notice each child for who they are as individuals. Give them love and attention in a way that they will understand and appreciate. Finally, let them be individuals without comparing them to each other. Every person has their own strengths and weaknesses and as parents, we are here to help our children develop and make them stronger.

To hear the song mentioned at the beginning, feel free to go to this website!

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Incompatible with Life

baby in handThe phrase “Incompatible with Life” has been used to describe “unborn children that may have a life-limiting condition”. This is NOT a medical term (given that ANY unborn child, regardless of their prognosis, is obviously a human life) and parents who are struggling with this are wanting this term to be changed. Parents dealing with the prognosis of a stillborn baby or an early death after delivery have a difficult enough situation to deal with. Using words as heartless and unapologetic as “incompatible with life” to label such tiny, helpless human beings seems like a disservice to those parents who are dealing with one of the most difficult things they could ever experience.

To see what some parents are saying, go to their facebook page. Read their stories and feel of their heartache.

In an effort to abandon this phrase from any medical records and/or conversation, click here and sign the petition! Every voice makes a difference and every signature gets us closer to supporting those parents that have to go through these unfortunate events.

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Encouragement for Parents

Screaming ChildWe’ve all heard them. We’ve all seen them. They can be loud, disruptive – even annoying sometimes. It happens in restaurants, grocery stores, movie theaters, and church meetings. You know what I am talking about: Children! They seem to be everywhere! They make messes, scream in high pitches, and run around like little tornados wreaking havoc of all kinds. Rather than making snide comments or giving glares of disgust, I propose a different approach. Tell me what you think!

Instead of judging the parent(s) for their inability to correctly discipline, tell them they are brave for what they are doing. Give them a pat on the back. Instead of reaching for the nearest set of earplugs, give those children a smile and be grateful that they are healthy and active.

Children have to learn how to behave properly in society. They aren’t born with that knowledge (though that would make our job as parents easier!). A parent can teach a child everything they need to know. However, unless they are given opportunities to practice that knowledge, it won’t mean anything. Children have to go out into society to learn what is appropriate. So instead of acting annoyed that there are children in the grocery store, be proud of those parents. They are doing their best to teach their children what is appropriate behavior in various environments. Expect mishaps and rowdy behavior sometimes. Be happy to help and give the parents an encouraging smile. We all need each other’s support!

And parents if you are seeking advice, visit this page on the College website, Discipline of the Child.

 

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How Far is Too Far?

Intimacy promotes attachment & trust

Intimate behavior floods your brain with a chemical that fuels attachment.

Cuddling, kissing, and sexual contact releases oxytocin, a hormone that announces: I’m with someone special now. Time to switch love on, and caution off.

When oxytocin levels are high, you’re more likely to overlook your partner’s faults, and to take risks you otherwise wouldn’t. So you certainly do not want your brain drenched in this hormone when making critical decisions like, What do I think of him? How far do I want this to go?

When it comes to sex, oxytocin, like alcohol, turns red lights green. It plays a major role in what’s called “the biochemistry of attachment.” Because of it, you could develop feelings for a guy whose last intention is to bond with you. You might think of him all day, but he can’t remember your name.

This excerpt was taken from Sense & Sexuality – A college girl’s guide to real protection in a hooked-up world written by College contributor, Miriam Grossman, M.D.

For a practical survival guide read How Far is Too Far? written by College member, Dr. Patty June.

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Faith in Medicine

FAITHMany of us in healthcare still believe in the power of prayer, especially for our patients. We see this as a way of life – not a replacement for medicine and therapy but, rather, a complement to both.  In society, however, many have abandoned the notion of prayer and are more likely to express their concern with statements such as “my thoughts are with you.”

Such offers are typically made by those either with no faith or with a misguided notion of “tolerance” bordering on paranoia in which secular (and, sometimes, religious) leaders bend over backward to “not offend.”  When someone offers to spend time “thinking” of you or offers up a moment of silence in your honor, what exactly are they providing?

Thoughts, on a biological level, are simply electrical impulses powered by chemical neurotransmitters.  Silence, strictly speaking, is the lack of sound waves moving across a medium (such as our atmosphere).   Personally, I’d prefer to know that someone was spending those chemical reactions soliciting the aid of a higher power that can actually help me in my time of need.  Yes, it gives one a warm, fuzzy feeling to know that a “special someone” is thinking of them…heck, even the idea of strangers offering up some of their precious ATPs to produce images of yours truly dance around in their head makes me smile a bit.  But is that it? Is that all we can expect from others?

And therein lays the irony.  Non-believers, the clear minority in this nation, by definition, don’t believe in prayer.  They also recognize the futility of spending thoughts or marking time in “honor” of some specific person or persons.  Believers, on the other hand, aren’t going to waste their time on silence or random thoughts when they know the benefit of intercessory prayer. So why don’t we cut the p.c. talk and return to an era where our prayers are offered up on behalf of those in need?  People don’t need our silence, they need our help.  Letters of consolation, monetary donations, time spent listening to the heartbreak of others – those are all worthy deeds made for the benefit of someone in need:  As is prayer.

Those of us in this nation who claim a faith in God – and that is apparently more than 80% of us – recognize the benefit of prayer.  We can personally do little directly for most of the people in the world who are currently suffering from one cross or another – such as the victims of violence in the Middle East or the young American physician stricken with the Ebola virus – but we CAN offer up our prayers.  Petitions to God turn our simple, even frail, efforts into effective tools of comfort and, in some cases, avenues of resolution.

As G.K. Chesterton observed, tolerance is the virtue of those without convictions and atheists are people capable of believing anything rather than someone who believes in nothing.   I’m afraid, in the end, that’s all of what’s left when you strip down prayer to words – mere thoughts, even:  Nothing.  Let’s offer the hurting something of value. They deserve nothing less.

 

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Fender Benders

fender benderI have been in enough fender-benders to earn the moniker “crash dummy” from my family. One of these fender benders occurred when I hit a parked car in an office complex. I dutifully sought out and found the owner of the red sports car that I had damaged.

Unbeknownst to me, her fine looking automobile had been retrieved from the body shop five days earlier.  When the owner saw the damage I created and saw that my old clunker was not damaged in the least, she was livid. She informed me in a loud voice what a horrible person I was. She could not believe that I was treating her this way!

My response was to speak softly and apologize. For a period of time, she would yell loudly and I would apologize softly. Finally, her anger was spent and she asked me in a normal voice “are you a psychiatrist?” She could not believe my lack of reaction to her anger and thought it must have been due to some special training.

I am not a psychiatrist. I do know that a fire that does not receive fuel will die out and that an angry person who is met with calmness will eventually lose their anger. Choose carefully how you respond to anger directed your way – diffusing that anger is often a better choice than fueling it.

 

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